letter from the president sevving

Dear Locals and No-Tails

If you could see me now…

I’m standing in a tube train three feet away from what can only be described at the best crap busker I’ve ever seen.

His garments are, almost without exception, black. Nothing wrong with that you might think. However, this is the kind of black that goes noir/grey due to the owner making a fashion decision during the mid-eighties based on three Sisters of Mercy ep’s and never again updating the look.

I study him with increasing curiosity. He must have cut a dashing swathe through the crowd back then, all cowboy boots, skinny black jeans, leather jacket, a pale face with high cheekbones and flowing mane of midnight black hair. His eyes might have been a steely grey back then and his lips possibly anointed with a metallic blue lip gloss. Such is a person at the height of his or her context.

Currently, he looks like a hung-over, gothic Telly Tubby in need of a chiropractor and a glass of Alka Seltzer.

Age has not been kind to this servant of darkness. A once cadaverous face has filled out, the cheeks transforming his needle sharp scowl into a mildly pissed off pout. His eyes have lost that look of steel, having been replaced by an unfocused, bloodshot squint and his once sunken chest seems to have completed a journey south thanks to a decade of stout and chips. The best part however is the music. Oh yes, oh yes…..

‘Evening ladies and gentlemen my name is Johnny Fate and I’m here to raise a tear to your eye with some tunes from another world.’ He whips out a pair of bongos and with eyes closed he leaps panther like, into song.

Cue, Yellow Submarine…

Our gallant troubadour possessed a voice only a mother could love. At times he came to within a hairs breadth of being in tune but just as it looked as though he’d hit the note, he skilfully weaved off in the other direction.

Then came the belch.

I’m still not sure if this action wasn’t a stroke of genius but it happened in the second verse and gave new emphasis to the line ‘And our friends are all aBOOOOAAAARRDDDD!!!!’  Walking along the platform at Tottenham Court Road Station a few minutes later, I wasn’t sure if I hadn’t seen the future of Rock ‘n Roll.

Galvanised by this event, I strode across town and re-booked myself into the Spectrum Club where I had been recently banned from performing due to an ugly incident involving a local council, some stickers and a number of suitably flat surfaces.

This time however I have chosen to appear under the name ‘Crow & Alice’ (two of my favourite puppets from the 70’s children programme ‘You & Me’). I’d be buggered if I was going to be out performed by a bunch of paper pushers and a comedy goth. This time I’m not going to be kept from playing the kind of tunes that has made me the lazy but opportunistic tosser that stands before you today. The time and the place for this festival of convenience is;

Thursday 17th October

The venue is across the street from Camden Town Tube Station (fairly near Virgin Records). Just follow the trail of partially ripped off stickers…

I’m gonna launch my new EP ‘All Day Breakfast’ on that night. If the prospect of seeing yours truly were not exciting enough, there will be a free two-track promo CD for everyone who turns out and even a limited edition ‘Crow & Alice’ T-shirt to be won during my usual ‘Wanker’ competition spot. As a special side treat, I will be joined on stage by Rob ‘blow me’ Ramsay, Tim ‘limb breaker’ Eyles and possibly even Paul ‘nappy’ Worwood to help keep me in time and show me the chords.

As for the future, I’m currently arranging to release a couple of albums over the next six months (recorded in a tramps pants by the sound of them. I tell you, that is the last time I collaborate with that shabby man Mr Spazz, I mean, what’s he ever done?).  In addition, I hope to play some more gigs abroad, DJ to the masses with my other partner in crime Andrew ‘Stocky’ Smith and rest of the Vault 45 Sound System. Finally I might even release some of the more electronic material that tends to piss people off at floor spot gigs when I play it for them. You lucky, lucky, people….

Closed hearts and sick minds aside, watch this space for the bleeps & belches album next year in collaboration with Johnny Fate.

Hooray for me and ear plugs for you.

Simon ‘Windy’ Walsh.