Most people I have met in the music business believe that if you aren't playing
live then you’re playing dead.
My first reaction in such cases is to throw petrol over them and watch them refuse the cigarette I offer immediately afterward. To this day I am beside myself with exasperation about this obsession with playing your music in front of other individuals for money or in my case, for goodwill. For my part, there are three main reasons for my lack of enthusiasm when it comes to live performances;
1. Most of my friends are now 30 something's with a mortgage, kids and a DVD player and the idea of paying a fiver to stand in a smoky room on a Tuesday night, to watch a mate playing songs they already know, drinking overpriced beer and making their way home through the homeless and drunks of a congestion charged metropolis doesn't appeal much any more.
A NOTE FOR YOUNGER READERS: if you think the above doesn't apply to you, then wait a few years and watch the nation's registry offices and spiraling credit rating drain your audience numbers.
2. Playing live in the millennium normally consists of a floor spot, for no money which is over in around six minutes. Cue sparse applause and dirty looks from anybody you were better than.
3. I've already pulled the woman of my dreams.
(NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: THE AUTHOR OF THIS PIECE IS A CYNICAL SON OF A BITCH AND SIMON WALSH ENTERPRISES ACCEPTS NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE NATIONS DWINDLING LIVE SCENE OR THE FOURTH SERIES OF BIG BROTHER CURRENTLY SPLUTTERING INTO MEDIOCRATIC OBSCURITY DUE TO A PUBLIC THAT CARES MORE ABOUT FAD THAN SUBSTANCE)
(NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: SORRY ABOUT THE EDITOR FOLKS)
Now don't get me wrong here boys and girls, I've done many, many live gigs which were great fun. When I play as a session drummer/guitarist in a band with a younger demographic, the place rocks, I rock and everything is fine and Andy Pandy dandy. I've played abroad and been carried shoulder high from the building for my efforts so the idea of great live shows is not dead everywhere.
However, over the years I have come to realise that although I belong to an increasingly select band of brothers and sisters, I never stopped enjoying the sensation of playing music. This often leaves me involved in increasingly surreal conversations from ex-musicians who have embraced the day job thus;
Ex-Muso: Hello Simon
Simon: Hello
E-M: You’re not still playing
music and hoping for a record deal are you?
Simon: Well, yes to the first
part and no, not really, to the second.
E-M: Why do you do it? There's no
money in it is there?
Simon: Er…I like doing it?
E-M: But what’s the point
if there’s no record deal? Who will listen to it?
Simon: Well, less people
than Justin Timberlake I suppose. but more people than you.
E-M: But why
do it if you can’t do it professionally?
Simon: Because I don’t like Sunday
League Football I suppose.
E-M: (looking frustrated) Look, don’t you think
is all a bit immature? Act your age.
Simon: (pointing) That’s a nice big
motorbike you’ve got. Is it new?
I’m not going to kid you that at my increasingly wrinkle ridden age, I am going to appear on your telly at 7.00pm on a Thursday night and rap to you about my bruvas, dancing about with my posse, like a bunch of clothes in a tumble drier. Having said that, it’s precisely because I don’t dis my ho, that I can help give some context to the guys and girls that do and in kind, I can play you simple songs and electronic tit-bits in a pub because, they don’t.
I think that’s fucking genius and who ever invented reality deserves a pint of mild and a warm handshake from yours truly. I get to be me because The Vines, Jay-Lo, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Missy Elliot, Howie-B, Massive Attack, R-Kelly, Busted, Terry Walker, Pat Metheny, James Brown, The Vengaboys, Spice Girls, Badly Drawn Boy, The Sugarbabes, Tiny Tim, David Gray, Electric Six, Granddaddy, Deep Purple, Skee-lo, Atomic Kitten, Tapdogs, Kraftwerk, Isaak Hayes, Dr John, Joni Mitchell, Van Morrison, The Hawks, The Eagles, The Byrds, The Band, The Who, The Beatles, The The, Them, So Solid Crew, Neutrino & Oxide, The Streets, Lambchop, Lou Reed, Chic, KLF, ADF, ELO, LFO, U2, AC/DC, Pink Fairies, Pink Floyd, King Crimson, Black, Tangerine Dream, Green Day, Blue, White Dwarf, Yellow, King, Queen, Prince, The Police, Fun Loving Criminals, Elvis Presley, Elvis Costello, Head, Talking Heads, Diamond Head, Motorhead, Radiohead, Denim, Corduroy, Tight Fit, The Hamsters, The High Llamas,
The Black Crows, White Buffalo, The Go Go’s, Tom Waits, Abba and Zappa don’t.
Good innit?
This brings me ‘round to my last point. You can still hear me by logging onto my website, you can still talk to me by mail or by phone and you can still see me play live because I STILL PLAY LIVE. I just don’t do it that often.
I love my little studio, it helps me make really great noises and stops me looking for leather clad nuns on the internet too often. The days literally fly by when I’m there and I’ve spent many a happy time working through the small hours while the rest of the world sleeps, overdubbing bass tracks, laying down backing vocals, adjusting the sample points on a drum loop and looking for leather clad nuns on the internet.
As I’ve mentioned, I have some gigs coming up on July 3rd at the Artesian Well in Wandsworth and on July 20th at the Hope & Anchor in Islington. On both occasions I shall be sporting an array of talent such as Tim ‘horses laugh at me’ Eyles, Paul ‘I train laughing horses’ Worwood, Rob ‘stunt pony’ Ramsay and possibly even Wayne ‘good in the saddle’ Collier, who returns for a limited period of time to make us all look good again.
For all those of you that read this stuff, I have to say thank you. Just remember that I have lots of people helping me remain obscure. Some of these people act by design and some by accident but never the less I salute them all for their diligence and hope that one day I can turn to them and say you’re fired.
I remain, in charge,
Simon Walsh